Category: Reading & Reflections

There was a time when trusting my voice felt natural. I spoke, wrote, expressed, without second-guessing every word. Somewhere along the way, that changed. Not dramatically. Not because of one big moment. It happened slowly, quietly, through years of working, adapting, fitting in, and learning when to soften things, when to stay quiet, when to phrase something differently so it would land better or offend less.

I did not stop having opinions or thoughts. I just stopped fully trusting them.

Writing again has been my way back.

When I started writing consistently, first elsewhere and now here, I did not set out to rediscover anything. I just wanted a place to put my thoughts. A place that did not require permission. A place where I did not have to explain myself before saying what I felt. Over time, something shifted. The more I wrote, the less I edited myself in my head before the words even reached the page.

I realised how often I had been filtering my own voice. Wondering if this was interesting enough. If that was too much. If anyone would care. If I was allowed to take up this much space with my thoughts. Writing every day, and then every week, taught me something simple and uncomfortable. The voice I was waiting for was already there. I just had to stop interrupting it.

Trusting your voice again does not mean being loud. It does not mean having hot takes or shouting into the void. For me, it has meant allowing myself to be specific. To talk about food the way I taste it. To talk about books the way they make me feel. To talk about identity without needing to explain or defend it. To write a sentence and not immediately ask myself who it is for.

Some days, that trust feels solid. Other days, it wobbles. I still wonder if my interests are too varied. If writing about books, then food, then identity, then pop culture makes sense. I still ask myself if anyone out there actually cares what I think. That doubt has not disappeared. But it no longer controls the pen.

What writing has given me back is a relationship with my own inner voice. One that feels calmer. Kinder. Less rushed. I no longer feel the need to perform clarity before I have it. I let the writing find its shape as I go. Sometimes it is a full post. Sometimes it is just a paragraph that tells the truth well enough for that day.

Learning to trust my voice again has also meant accepting that it does not need to sound like anyone else’s. It does not need to be optimised, polished, or packaged. It just needs to be honest. When I allow that, something interesting happens. The writing feels lighter. And I feel more like myself.

I do not know exactly where this will lead. What I do know is that I am no longer waiting to feel ready. I am writing as I am. And for now, that feels like more than enough.

— Raulito

(Yes, this is your final warning)

This post contains full spoilers for The Wheel of Time, Book 5.
If you haven’t read the book yet, this is your cue to leave now.
There will be major plot points, character deaths, and endings discussed.
You’ve been warned. Proceed at your own risk.

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I finished Book 5 and just sat there for a moment, staring into space, trying to process everything I’d just read. The last few chapters are intense in a way that leaves you emotionally wrung out. It ends on such a cliffhanger that my brain simply refused to move on. My thoughts kept circling back to the same questions. Who killed Asmodean? Is Moiraine really gone? What just happened?

Moiraine’s sacrifice hit me the hardest. I had to reread that entire sequence several times just to understand what actually happened to her. Where did she go? What did she know? And then it really sank in. She knew. She knew this moment was coming. And yet, she still dedicated herself fully to teaching, guiding, and protecting Rand. That quiet goodbye, telling him “you’ll do well”, absolutely broke me. There was something devastating and beautiful about her certainty. I’m still not convinced she’s truly gone, but if she is, that loss left a mark.

Then there’s Rand. Seeing Aviendha “dead” and the way that loss immediately triggers his raw, terrifying power was one of the most shocking moments in the book. When it said she lay there with her eyes open, I genuinely thought that was it. I remember thinking no, not her, not like this. And then Rand unleashes balefire. That scene left me open-mouthed. It took a moment for everything to click, for the time implications to make sense, and when it did, I was fully in awe. That was the moment Rand truly stepped into his power for me.

And then, just when you think you’ve had enough emotional whiplash, Asmodean is killed off-page. Just like that. No answers. No closure. Just confusion and frustration. Who did it? Why? That mystery is still living rent-free in my head, and the book has the audacity to just end. I need answers.

Morgase under Rahvin’s influence was deeply uncomfortable to read. Watching her dress and behave the way she did, stripped of agency and controlled so completely, was disturbing in the worst way. It was meant to be, and it worked. Those scenes made my skin crawl.

On a more satisfying note, Egwene finally overpowering Nynaeve in Tel’aran’rhiod was incredibly gratifying. Nynaeve was getting increasingly frustrating in this book, constantly blocking herself, refusing to grow, crying, panicking, and trying to boss everyone around while barely holding herself together. Watching Egwene flip that power dynamic and force her to confront the truth felt earned. Honestly, Nynaeve needs to take a breath and calm down. Channeling only when angry is not the flex she thinks it is.

That said, Nynaeve wasn’t my only frustration. Rand’s refusal to fully accept help drove me mad, especially knowing what ultimately happens to Moiraine. He could have learned so much from her. Been kinder. Listened more. The Aes Sedai politics also continue to feel unnecessarily slow and counterproductive, making everything worse rather than better. And of course, everyone keeping secrets for no real reason remains one of the most exhausting aspects of this series.

The pacing didn’t always help. This book is long, and there are chapters that absolutely could have been half their length. There were moments where I genuinely wondered if a scene was about to end, only to realise there were still pages to go. It tested my patience more than once.

The gender dynamics also feel very much of their time. Men are written as stubborn and emotionally clueless. Women as perpetually frustrated or domineering. The endless loops of “men don’t understand women and women don’t understand men” grow tiring quickly, and the romantic misunderstandings drag on longer than they need to. This is where the TV show, in my opinion, handled certain storylines with more nuance.

World-building wise, I’m both impressed and confused. Five books in, I’m fully immersed in the world, but I still crave more clarity. I want deeper exploration of Lews Therin’s time and the Age of Legends. I want to understand how the world truly broke. I want the Forsaken to feel more like people and less like abstract villains. And I’d love clearer rules around the One Power. The curiosity is there, even if the answers aren’t yet.

So where does Book 5 land for me overall? Somewhere in the middle of the pack. It has incredibly high highs and some very frustrating lows. It pushed the story forward in meaningful ways, deepened key characters, and delivered some unforgettable moments, even if it sometimes took the long way around to get there.

I’m definitely excited to pick up Book 6. At the same time, I feel like I need a short break from the series. This kind of long, slow fantasy is best savoured, and I want to come back to it refreshed. Reading The Wheel of Time has already given me something important though. It pulled me back into reading after years away, offering the perfect escape from reality, and reminding me why I’ve always loved fiction.

For now, I’ll sit with these questions. And yes, I’m still thinking about who killed Asmodean.

Rating: 3.5 out of 5

If you’re curious to start or continue the series, you can find The Wheel of Time, Book 5 here*.

— Raulito

* As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.